Is this an improvement?

Yesterday, as part of the #haikuchallenge on Twitter, I wrote this piece:

Red sun falls behind
as I flee the black castle.
Church in the distance.

But I’m not entirely satisfied with that last line. The first two have such stark visual impact, and then the last just flatly states “church.” Originally I had been tempted to go with “bells,” but I wasn’t sure whether readers would make the connection. Here’s the poem again with that change:

Red sun falls behind
as I flee the black castle.
Bells in the distance.

What do you think? When you hear “bells” (not literally, you wag), what does that conjure in your head?

Anyone who comments by Oct. 23 will be entered in the Vampyr Verse drawing, by the way.


One thought on “Is this an improvement?

  • October 10, 2009 at 10:36 am

    Bells, connotes to me, in order:
    coutry call-the-field-workers-to-meal bell,

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