“Everybody feels that way sometimes,” they say. “Everything’s a spectrum, and everybody’s on it.”
Tell that to the seven-foot-tall woman and the two-foot-tall man.
Yes, there is a range of people between those record-holders and the average 5′ 8″ for men, and the average 5′ 3” for women. Just as there is a range from the average IQ of 100 to YoungHoon Kim’s 276. But to call those ranges “spectrums” is to paltrify the social challenges unique to those outliers. At some point the term “unusual” has to be acknowledged, along with associated difficulties and inconveniences.
The same can be said for autism and ADHD.
Speaking of which, last fall I posted about an initial diagnosis of “too old, successful, and respected by your peers to have autism or ADHD” (Good Enough, Close Enough Isn’t), and the challenges of caring deeply in a compromising world. There’s only so much that behavioral therapy—the only therapy available within our insurance network—can do for someone who perceives the world much differently than his neighbors.
So last month I bypassed those geographical limits, researched adult autism professionals within the US, and had an evaluation at my own expense. “We don’t guarantee a diagnosis as autistic,” they said. “Good,” I thought.
Let me compare the two evaluations, the “too old and successful” clinical psychologist, versus the “we don’t guarantee” one.
The first had me fill out two questionnaires and my wife fill out another, then spent a half an hour interviewing me, followed by another half hour a week later, in which he gave a short oral summary: “You have lots of markers, but I see children who can’t even speak, and others who literally can’t sit still.” He ended with an off-hand comment that he hadn’t even heard of “masking” until two weeks prior. A term I hadn’t at all mentioned.
The second also had me fill out a pair of questionnaires and my wife fill out another. Then she held two one-hour interviews, followed by another hour a week later, in which she walked me through the DSM-5 criteria, point by point. The adult autism diagnosis was undeniable. I’m reevaluating my history of outsidership and rootless shame from that perspective and it fits. It doesn’t fix things, but it lets me let myself off the hook for some and have a better idea of moving forward. And there are support groups and therapy available.
Why bother telling you all of this? Because I’m 70, I come from a time when such things weren’t discussed, and I’ve stubborned my way through a life with too much unnecessary misery.
Maybe you’re stubborning your own way through your own misery. If so, there’s no shame in self-discovery and therapy. And chances are that your example will lead other people in your circle to shed the stigma and find some answers of their own.
I’m all but certain I am neurotypical. But we got separate evaluations for two of our kids when they were each around 14 that were as thorough as the second evaluation you got. The final reports were each 30 pages long. They have ADHD and autism.
They’re in therapy. But just as important, their treatment teams have been teaching my wife and I what their challenges are, and giving us guidance.
Now I am doingy damnedest to be the parent they deserved ten years earlier. I’m also thanking Zeus they weren’t born in my generation. They would have been labeled lazy troublemakers and beaten mercilessly.
Whenever parenting comes up, I tell their story and mine learning about how to be a better parent. I know other undiagnosed autistic children are suffering.